archive

vicious cycle of you     sept15.07

its kinda sad, really... actually, i think i'd equate it with pathetic.

what is?

you. no, not YOU, per say, but its the way you make me feel. that fluttering feeling i get when i see your name pop up in the corner of my screen; that nervous sweat that starts to gather on my brow when i know i'm going to be near you soon. and you know what the saddest part really is?

You Have No Clue That You're Making Me Feel This Way.

&&it gets worse.

i actually wait and try to seem distant/aloof/casual. i wait until you talk to me first; i stay in a place where i know youll find me. but whenever i do it, i'm always just that little bit afraid that you'll see right through me.

but i should know better than that. why?

Because You Don't.

it's probably because i've done it so convincingly before. i act the same way i did before i truly realized how i felt about you. so it's pointless, me waiting for you to figure out that what im doing is all just an act.

&i know that sitting here is getting me nowhere and that these things have been said so many times over [too many to count. ] but its just so hard for me to believe them because you'd think, if they had actually been heard, there wouldnt be any anymore.

did that make sense? ... see?

You Make Me Not Make Sense.

and the saddest part of all is that i do nothing to change the situation i've put myself in. i just sit and think these same things over and over until i see your screenname pop up or your name on my caller id.

And So It Starts Again.