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before     may14.07

            I don’t know what exactly it is about you, but you drive me absolutely crazy. I can’t stop thinking about you and I can’t stop picturing your face whenever I close my eyes. For me, I think, it has become a habit; but, for you, it is a talent that you have become uncannily good at, like you’re willing me to think about you at every spare moment in time.

            I know it sounds totally absurd but it’s just something that I can’t control, and I don’t think I want to control it anyhow. Kind of like the sun rising in the morning and like the clocks ticking their times down as the day passes, I’ve become used to these fleeting moments of absolute ecstasy that bring me just that little bit closer to you. It sounds so typical but the feeling… Oh, that feeling of pure bliss that I get whenever you cross my mind is indescribable. And no matter how hard I try to articulate just what it is that you do to me I get tongue tied and the words that do end up coming out of my mouth are meaningless and a fruitless waste of breath.

            And it’s not just my memories of you. My memories are nothing compared to how you make me feel when I actually am fortunate enough to see you. Hell, my memories seem to be totally wrong about you, and then I feel guilty for not remembering just how exquisite you truly are. It’s an amazing thing, you can stir so many emotions in me and you have yet to look my way. Then when you do, I’m left speechless: it’s your eyes that just break me down and knock me out cold. And after that first, casual glance your face always breaks out into a grin, the smile that I know deep down inside is just for me and that I’ve never seen you give to anyone else. Every time I see that smile, I know I could die the instant after and be happy.

            Then you speak and every word that comes out of those soft spoken lips seems to be a code, like you’re trying to tell me that you know every single word that I’m about to say, that you know that I’ve been feeling this way about you. Again, a crazy concept, but not so crazy if I don’t try to rationalize it in my mind. But once you touch me, just put your hand out to touch my shoulder when you realize that it’s me, every single one of my senses goes out the door; rhyme and reason no longer have any impact on me once I feel the warmth of your touch.

            Every moment I spend with you is an eternity spent in rapture. And when you tell me something when I’m with you, I’d believe it just because I wouldn’t want to ruin the bliss you’ve created for me. If you told me that oxygen wasn’t what kept me alive all these years, I’d believe you; if you said that the closest thing to heaven was this hell we call earth, I would agree with you wholeheartedly just because every motion of you body and every expression of your face pushes and pulls me closer and closer to the edge of insanity.

            I think what I’m trying to say is that there is no other person in this world that I think is meant for me more than you. As much as people will try to argue, nothing will change that and I believe that you know it as well as I do that you feel the same way. But I don’t know what’s stopping us from even starting. Maybe it’s the fear of what time will bring, or maybe it’s the sad realities of our pasts. Whatever it is, I need you to know that these feelings will never change. I give you my word, I give to you my soul, just to assure you that I will always feel the same.