archive

apr2.07

so...

this life thing isn't turning out how i had originally planned. ha ha.

or, at least, not how i thought it would turn out. then again, does it ever? i mean when i was a kid i didn't imagine, let alone dream, that i would be some psyedo-emo female fuckwit with enough problems [mental and psychological] to keep freud, jung, and every other elder member of the upper echelons of the psychiatriac world busy for decades...

and if you did not understand that last bit, you shouldn't be reading this entry.

is it that obvious that i am sick and tired of stupid people? well, other than stupid people, i am also quite sick of the not so stupid people in my life... and i know its bad&mean&cruel to be bashing most of my "friends", but i can't help it, i just need to get away from them. there are a few that aren't targeted in this little rant of mine.

but i warn you right now, they are very few.

yes, i understand that my friends are only trying to help, only want to see me happy, &or whatevv, but i just need them to lay off sometimes. i dont need your pity, i dont want your sympathy, and i dont care whether you can empathize with me or not. you say you care, so if you really do care, then learn to lay off. because as much as i love the passively negative attention...

I DON'T.

and if you're happy, im happy for you. but dont expect me to stick around to see just how "happy" you are, all over your faces in every single place on the planet. no, i'm not afraid to name names, but what i am afraid of is my fingers falling off from exhaustion from typing every single combination of boyfriend&girlfriend/girlfriend&girlfriend/boyfriend&boyfriend. you know why i'm not in a lasting relationship? because i don't want to become one of you. yea, thats right, i said you. you are stuffy, blind people who lose every ounce of common sense [or at least what you had] and i could never stand to be one of you.

that's right, i said it. and i dont regret it, either.

funny thing is, i encourage a lot of this. yeah, call me crazy and stupid because i'm ranting about all of this now, but my original intention was much, much --l o f t i e r-- than this. then again i have only truly been in love once in my life, and that was a long time ago, so i guess this is what passes as "love" now a days. ambitious feelings of want and need trying to satisfy both the giver and the taker. ha, i wish love was just that easy.

but obviously not.

those three words seem to be the remedy to every single wrong in every single relationship these days. but that's not true. I LOVE YOU means nothing now, because no one waits anymore to say it. and, yes, ive had this conversation many a time with many a stupid person who has never come up with a suitable rebuttal or assention. one month of steady dating is not love, its just elongated affection. three to four months just begins to scratch the surface of what love is. no, its never ever love an it will never last forever unless you're ready to dive in, head first and eyes closed. and let me tell you something:

I'M NOT GOING TO BE SWIMMING WITH YOU

so do no think i like to listen to every single fucking problem that you have with your relationship because if you do [and do it constantly] i will tell you straight up that I AM NOT DATING YOU so leave me out of it and grow the cojones [in english that means BALLS] to talk to your insignificant  other about what you think is wrong. yes, im available for the occasional commiseration session, but dont think i want to listen to you when im trying to have a good time; dont think that im going to dropp every single little thing to answer my phone or go to my computer to hear you cry about how he did this and how she said that and how you think you fucked up royally; dont expect me to remember what you told me while i was drunk&high; and dont excpect me to care when im in a bad mood.

if i sound like a hypocrite, bare with me.

the only reason i used to dropp things for people and things like that was because i felt guilty. but no longer. why? because im fed up. where was this guilt coming from? from every single one of my friends tha had ever done that to me, the ones i have dedicated this specific blog to. i felt guilty because i knew that they needed me and that they had done things for me before. but, i reiterate: no longer will i doormat myself to these fuckwits. it seems that this world has become an emotional survival of the fittest, so that how i'm goin to play.

so you know what?

deal with it.