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mar29.07

i cried yesterday. cried my heart out while smoking cigarettes behind a bridge.

                                                                                                                                                   pathetic, huh.

&i didnt even feel better afterwards, like most people do. then again, i know for a fact that i am not like most people. but i I just felt so horrible… even the way I came about to crying was such a terrible thing…

at least, i think so.

i was taking my usual afternoon nap on the couch in my friends basement. but idk, this day seemed to be far, far, far, far from the usual afternoon i spend with my friends. dont ask me why and dont ask me how it was any different. it just was.

                                                                                                                               then it happened… again.

the Nightmare. it happens every time i just manage to get to sleep peacefully. && in this nightmare, the same thing happens every time: - - - i'm at the airport, waiting at an arrivals gate, waiting for someone to come. they never do come, i just stand there waiting while the people around me point&laugh&stare&then leave. - - -

and i know who it is i'm waiting for.

it never chages, this person that i'm waiting for. kind of sad in the shestillhasntmovedon kind of way.

                                                                     but something changed.

&i'm not saying that the nightmare is the exact same every time, but the story is usually generally the same. today, while i was waiting at the airport, someone was there with me. it was this guy who shall remain nameless, but i am sorta involved with now… and i thought to myself…

this can’t be good.

and he was just standing there beside me. i wasnt sure if he was waitin with me or just waitin next to me. then i found out when he called out someones name, met them &started to walk away. and the thing that made me wake up was, when i started cryin in the nightmare, he just looked at me,

                             his eyes full of pity.

i think it startled/frightened/hurt me. &as pathetic as it may sound the first thing i did when i jolted awake was text him to see if everything with him was okayy. then i got this feeling deep down inside of me that i couldn’t shake, so i decided to go out for a smoke. tears running down my face, i rushed outof that house as quickly as i could

so my friends wouldnt see me cry.

&idk what it was that made me cry. i mean, i have a general i d e a as to why, but no specific reason. mayhaps it was the combination of what i have now and what i no longer have meeting in the same [[m-e-t-a-p-h-y-s-i-c-a-l]] place that just set me off. or i could be totally off base.

                                                                                                                             who really knows for sure.

&it doesn’t help that i was listening to m o o d m u s i c. stuff that would DID make me cry harder that i had already been crying. so i hid myself behind th bridge and cried while listening to music and  s m o k i n g  ciragettes. then the worst of the worst happened to me. a friend followed me and

saw me crying.

yeah, i kno its not that big of a deal, so what that my friend saw me crying. it's such a big deal for me. i'm determined to not cry in front of people for -v-a-r-i-o-u-s- reasons. but thats another rant for another day. &all i could do was cry even harder…

                                                                                                                                 i told you i was pathetic.