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frustration     jan15.07

            This is so stupid. I’ve hit the point where I can’t even write anymore because all I can think about is you. I can see your face in my mind and it’s like an incessant reminder that I feel absolutely incomplete without you, that I care about what you think of me, that I cannot properly function without some sign of your approval. Okay, so it’s not that extreme but it feels that way. It just that I feel so stupid about all of this, these feelings that I, obviously, feel. I never used to feel like this before. Believe that. With our history, it surprised even me that I feel this way now. And, if I ever let you actually read this, you would be, too.

            I just can’t seem to do anything right, even if it doesn’t involve you. I think before I act, but then, two seconds after I’ve done it, I wonder what you would think, what your reaction would be. It’s just so infuriating, that you can carve out a niche in my mind so easily and I can’t even get you to call me once a week. How do you do it? How do you make me feel like I’m two inches tall right after I’ve climbed the highest mountain? I guess I should congratulate you, though, for managing to do what you’ve done to me. It’s no easy feat; I tend not to trust many people as much as I do you.

             You’re like an addiction: unhealthy, uncalled for, and insatiable. And I don’t know what part of that description scares me more. I find myself sitting on the cold bathroom floor, crying, because I’m just so messed up thinking about how you make me feel and the many reasons you’re not supposed to be the one doing that. I disgust myself because of you.

             You used to be my best friend. I used to be able to tell you everything in my world and now I’m just relegated to the occasional wall-posts, the not-so-often e-mails, the rare phone calls, the almost-never luncheons. This is us, the duo who used to share one bed, when we weren’t even dating, and not have sex; this is us, the two who could just look at each other and have a whole conversation in the mere blink of an eye. That was us, but not anymore.

             There are so many reasons that tell me that falling in love with you again is wrong, the strongest being that it feels so right. I know I need to just walk away, but that’s impossible. We’re thrown together out of circumstance, out of karma, out of kismet. Circumstance, karma, and kismet are probably the three forces in this world that are out of my reach. Which means I can’t do anything except sit back and wait until you come to me again, even if it is just for a hour, a word, a minute, a moment.